Maybe you’ve known a person who has said they’re done with the dating scene, or perhaps you’ve been that individual. It’s quite normal now to see a social media video, read a post rife with frustration, or hear a loved one say that prospects have been so bad and time has been wasted so much, that they no longer see the benefit in looking for love. Chicago-based relationship expert and counselor Love McPherson has heard it plenty.
“It is actually very, very common,” she tells ESSENCE. “I ran a program called The Dating Gym and when the women came in, most of them were already discouraged about dating and had given up. They didn’t feel that they had the competence anymore. They didn’t feel like they knew how to choose. They felt like they had been hurt so often until it became an absolute cry and almost a movement that people are giving up.”
McPherson gets it, noting that it definitely is harder to find a match in today’s dating scene compared to what she experienced growing up. While she says her generation met guys from their hometown, at college, church and more, these days there are many options, often too many, thanks to social media and dating apps.
“I always say it’s like the Cheesecake Factory menu and that’s not really one of my favorite restaurants because it’s too many choices,” she says. “Guys treat the apps like that Cheesecake Factory menu. They just want to go through each one and sample, but they’re not really committed to say, ‘Oh, I want to go get my favorite meal over here on this page at this time.’”
While there’s truth to the belief that it’s just hard to date nowadays, the desire to throw in the towel, according to the relationship counselor, comes from a place of fear. It’s a fear of getting hurt to be specific, and we can’t operate from that when we’re serious about looking for our person.
“What you have to do is how you show up in your business, how you show up when you start a family, how you show up when you are starting anything new, you have to feel the fear and do it anyway,” she says. “You have to literally take courage.”
So once you put on your big girl panties, how does one do things differently in order to have a better experience on the dating scene? McPherson broke down some very useful tips to help those skeptical of what’s out there figure out what they want, how to go about finding it, and how to let things roll off of your back if they don’t end as hoped so you can keep up your search with optimism.
01
Change your way of thinking.
You’ll never be hopeful about what’s out there if you’ve convinced yourself that there are no good men available. “If you tell your body and you tell your mind that there’s nobody out there, you literally will not be able to see it, because that’s how you’re programmed to do,” she says. “You’re programmed to listen and believe yourself.” Instead, she says get your messaging right, telling yourself the truth about what is out there and the work that needs to be done to find the right match.
02
Face Your Fears
According to McPherson, the discouragement we deal with that makes us want to give up on dating is rooted in fear. “The word ‘discouraged’ comes from the word ‘courage.’ That means you lack courage to move forward, which is fear. So basically, what we are talking about here is fear. Fear of getting hurt,” she says. It’s important to understand what it is you’re afraid of and give yourself the courage to overcome it if you really do want to eventually find love. “I would suggest writing down some of the things that you do fear. And then you say, is it worth facing this fear for what you expect from love?”
03
Pinpoint what it is you’re expecting.
That brings us to the second action, which is knowing what you expect from love — aside from having someone to call your partner and perhaps a title. “What are you expecting?” McPherson asks. “What are the outcomes? Even if it’s marriage, what are you expecting from marriage? Is it realistic? Because the same thing that you’re talking about, you want somebody who’s there for you, who loves you, all this other kind of stuff, there are thousands of married couples trying to get out of marriage because they want that too.”
04
Know what you’re willing to invest.
What are you willing to give? And by that, McPherson asks what prices you’re willing to pay in the effort to find love. If you decide that you’re willing to perhaps kiss a frog or five on the road to meeting someone special, then you can take courage and make the conscious decision to move forward. “You cannot move forward depending on somebody else. You have to move forward depending on yourself,” she says. “You’ve got to know that no matter how many dings you’ve had, you have bounced back. The person who you are today, you still came back from it. You still recover.” She adds, “You can decide, ‘I’m not going to be the victim of a person who ghosts me or just doesn’t show up, or was only here for the sex and I was here for a relationship. I’m not going to be the victim of them. I am going to take control over the things that I can control, which is taking it slow and having realistic expectations at every stage.’”
05
Avoid ‘Marriage’ Dates
With courage and realistic expectations on your side, the counselor says date differently by taking things slow and truly getting to know a person for who they are, rather than what you hope they could end up being. She often recommends people do five stages of dating (more on that shortly). “This is not a marriage date. This is a wanting to see if you are even able to be a friend,” she says. “If you stay present—like mindful dating is when you are staying in the stage that you’re in. Stage one is just talking on the phone, talking on chats and things like that before we ever go out on a date. That is stage one. Just getting to know someone. After that first date where you physically meet and see each other, then you move into stage two or you end it right there.”
06
Even when things are going well, continue to move slow.
Once you get to stage two, McPherson says continue to take things at a slower speed to ensure you’re not on a completely different page than a prospect — one that likely won’t end well. “Stage two is when you say and decide, this is not exclusive, but I enjoyed the other date and I want to continue to pursue non-committal, not exclusively, but I want to continue to go out with you and just see if you are the type of friend I’m looking for,” she says. “If we are looking at somebody as a marriage partner and we have in our heart marriage and they have in their heart friend, we will be able to get hurt. Very hurt. And so instead, we’re looking to see if they’re loyal, consistent, if they care, if they’re emotionally available, all of those things that your friendships require.” When you do that, you have a better chance of being able to be on the same page when the time comes about being exclusive, to get to know your mate on an individual basis to see if they could have the qualities needed to be your husband, and to eventually keep dating after marriage to stay in tune with your partner. (Those are stages three, four and five by the way.)
07
Know Your Non-Negotiables
What won’t you deal with? “That should only be three or four things depending on what they are,” she says. “Like, ‘I will never want a man who has kids or who smokes.’ Those are non-negotiables. But then there is your list and if you can get 80% of your list, you actually are doing well, because they’re only going to get 80% of their list probably from you. And so you could work through some of the other stuff. Some of the things on the list, ask yourself constantly, can my love cover that?”
08
Don’t take rejection to heart.
McPherson says rejection from a man you may be interested in or had high hopes for is never a sign of your worth. But if you treat it as such, you’ll find yourself back to the “done with dating” stage. “How many people do you walk past on the streets with an ideal job and you’re not interested? You just rejected them,” she says. “It is simply preference.”
